On my first day I was told there was a hierarchy of biscuits. I thought it was a joke. It was an induction.
What follows is the result of many years of observation in the field. It has not been peer reviewed. It has been argued about, loudly, in at least three offices.
Tier one: a good day
Chocolate Hobnobs. Somebody has had a court result. Or a baby. Or has resigned, and is feeling generous.
Anything from a tin with a lid. Christmas, or a thank-you from a family, which happens more than you would think and matters more than they know.
Homemade. Approach with respect. Ask who made it before you comment on it.
Tier two: a normal day
Plain digestives. The backbone of the public sector. Reliable, unglamorous, holds together under pressure.
Custard creams. A biscuit with a filing system.
Bourbons. Identical in every building I have ever worked in. I believe there is one central store.
Rich tea. Present at every child protection conference. Nobody chooses a rich tea. It is simply there, like the jug of water.
Tier three: concerning
Pink wafers. Left at the bottom of every selection box, in every office, in every year. I have never seen anybody eat one. They go somewhere. I do not ask.
Broken ones. Still biscuits. We do not write anybody off.
The packet that has been open since the last inspection. Soft. Eat it anyway. You have not had lunch.
Special categories
The fig roll. Brought in by one person, eaten by that person. Every team has one. They are usually the best at court.
The Jaffa Cake. Legally a cake. Do not start this conversation at four o’clock on a Friday. I have seen a team meeting lost to it.
Fruit. Somebody brought in a bag of satsumas in January, with good intentions. They are still there.
Rules of the tin
- If you finish them, you replace them. This is the only rule that has ever been enforced.
- Nobody eats the last one. It sits there for two days. On the third day it is gone, and nobody did it.
- Visitors get first pick. So do students, because they are not paid.
- The biscuits at a meeting with a family are for the family. Offer them. Then take one yourself, so that they feel they can.
- Whoever has had the worst morning gets the chocolate one. You will know who it is.
Why any of this matters
Because in a job where almost nothing is in your control, the tin is.
Because “Do you want a biscuit?” is what we say when we mean “I heard that phone call, and I am sorry.”
And because there are days when it is the only thing anybody has offered you since breakfast.
Replace them. Not the cheap ones.
Maisie x
Next in the notebook: Books that got me through